Hurricane Force Oreos

When I was a little girl my dad used to have a friend named Dave. Dave lived on some property that had horses and tennis courts and all kinds of goodies. It was a wonderland for missy and me. My dad would go over there to play tennis sometimes, and take us with him. Would sound boring, but we were entertained. Sometimes we hung out with Dave’s super cool wife, who was from Sweden, or we ran around like banshees, or we pretended to play tennis ourselves.

Well one day after a wonderfully great day, we were all getting ready to leave but the super awesome Swedish wife lady brought out the ultimate treat: 

 

Oreos and milk.

DIAGRAM 1: OREOS AND MILK

 Please note the GLORIOUSITY being emitted from the milk and cookies. Awesomeness. 

  

Woop woop! 

Great Goodness! All is right with the world. My sister and I eagerly anticipated the moment the tray touched down to the table so we could wreak havoc! 

 

Luckily my dad was one of those "let's-go-but-I-am-still-gonna-chat-for-another-hour" types. Sometimes I HATED it. This time it was fine with me because I was all about those cookies.

 

[Insert long boring adult conversation] 

 

When my dad was finally ready to actually leave I was immediately concerned about the remaining Oreos. My thought process:

How can I leave them behind? 

Those are my deserved cookies.

When could I possibly get oreos again?

I can't believe I won't get to finish them.

I need at least a few more.

So I did the only thing I could think of: I jammed three in my mouth and chugged a big gulp of milk so I could at least close my mouth. I couldn’t talk but was satisfied that I had done all I could to not be cheated of my rightful Oreos. (Let's not forget that by now I had already been eating Oreos for like 45 minutes)

DIAGRAM 2: GREEDY BASTARD

  This diagram illustrates my natural ability to be greedy with milk and cookies.  

As I stood up to wave goodbye, I all of the sudden felt it coming...

... a sneeze.

This is gonna be bad.

There was no stopping it. With the milliseconds I had, I spun around away from the innocent bystanders just in time for the inevitable. It felt like rocks. It came out of my mouth annnnd my nose in full cookie chunks. Annnnnnnnnd all over Dave and the awesome Swedish wife lady’s lawn furniture. I mean everywhere. They say sneezes have the same force as a hurricane. Well I hurricaned my Oreos and milk all over the damn place. 

DIAGRAM 3: ZOOM IN ON NOSE SPRAY

  Close up on the painful, painful escape route for my milk and cookies
with the force of a hurricane pushing it all out. 

DIAGRAM 4: HURRICANE FORCE SPRAY ZONE

  This spray zone easily covered some lawn furniture.
However, had I not spun around it would have easily covered numerous people.  

It was horrific and quickly followed with my dad, “DAMNIT SARAH!”

I felt bad. But I felt the most upset about those last Oreos. Never to be eaten. I had enough sense not to express what my truest concerns where. Thank God I had some milk in my mouth, or it woulda been ALL cookie- no lube. That’s rough.

That's what I get for being a greedy bastard. But in all honesty, how can you ask a kid to control themselves with milk and cookies??????? 

It is impossible. (deep sigh to reflect the truth of this)

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Option 1: don’t sneeze with food in your mouth

Option 2: if possible, spit food out of mouth prior to snneze. Still messy, but not as much force or spread.

Option 3: don’t be so damn greedy with the cookies and milk.